Fistyface

May 25

How to look totally fuckable in yearbook photos

It’s that time of year again. Yearbooks being are circulated among students, each of them leaving you great messages like “HAGS!” or “Don’t ever change!”. And while a 40 year old who is still super deep into Gotye is still appealing. I’m sure you’d rather have a great summer filled with hot mommy-daddy wrestling fun time. But how do you convey that in a yearbook photo? Don’t you worry! A picture has known to say a thousand words and when you’re through with this guide all those words will say “Hey world I’m ready for the genital limbo of a lifetime!” So let’s begin.

Dress Nice - This is probably the most important tip in fact this is so important that I don’t trust you with it. I want you to get your parent (or guardian for you adopted folks) and have them dress you. They’ve been on the up-and-up of style way before you were born. Heck, they’ve probably done it a lot more than you too. I’m sure these past four years have really put a strain on your relationship and this will give you a chance to look back on it. Like that time when your mom suggested you get Lap-Band® surgery. That was a barrel of laughs!
Props - This one is more dependent on whose taking your photograph. Always make sure if it’s ok first as artistic direction normally always outweighs the need for props. If your photographer gives you the green light to use props, try to incorporate phallic objects into your picture.Do not use dildos, vibrators or any device of a sexual nature as they could be confiscated on school grounds. Instead try using a banana or a corndog from your school lunch. Not only will this convey your superhuman sexual appetite but will also tell your future suitors that you’re a gal whose not afraid to have some meat on your bones.
Senior Quotes - Senior quotes are one of the many things you can work to your advantage. (Your sex-vantage that is!) Most of the time these are wasted on crumby Dave Matthews lyrics. You’re gonna want to make your quote short and to the point without throwing any red flags for the yearbook committee to pick up on. What I suggest is “I like tossing the tin can in the funhouse.” which is Hobo code for intercourse in the old refrigerator box.

Well there you go. Follow these tips and you’ll be doing squat jumps in the cucumber patch in no time flat! Make sure to wear protection and stay hydrated!

May 23

May 21

(via annazipper)

May 20

brighteyesintherabbithole asked: No, you're still the stud I've always imagined. And by stud I mean the kind you put in the wall. That joke wasn't funny. You're beautiful brotein shake.

ALL IN ALL I’M JUST A STUD IN THE WALL

J-O-B to the muthafuckin’ G

So after a year of rejection (Fuck you, Walgreens.) I finally got a job thanks to my awesome buddy Tyler. I’ll be washing dishes among other stuff at a Japanese restaurant. I start tomorrow which begs to question why I’m on here. The sleepy time go night night pills haven’t kicked in yet. That’s why.

Or perhaps they have? I dunno. I’m answering my own questions aren’t I? Yeah, but oh well. I guess I just realized that my blog wasn’t really personal I don’t post enough of my own shit on here. Sweet Cheesus, I just sounded terribly white. Sorry about that I’ll make up for it with the title.

I’m ragging on. What I’m saying is…oh fuck my grandma’s medicine is kicking in now.

May 16

Letter to an Aging Dog

Dear Shelby,

Tonight you scared the shit out of me. While going to get a drink of water from your bowl you fell down the stairs. You were alright and were more annoyed than anything else when I insisted lifting you up and carrying you back up myself. It’s been known for awhile now that you’ve been losing your sight but I guess it really didn’t sink in until right now. Up until this point you never once let that slow you down. You are resilient in that way. Even though fate dealt you an awful hand you’ve remained unfazed.

And man did I wish I had your spirit cause these times have been hard on me as they’ve been on you. I hate administering your medicine that you seem to dread. I don’t want your last thoughts of me being that evil person who’s always poking and prodding you. I want to you live out your days as the care-free, lazy mutt you’ve always been. It just sucks having this burden of knowing what is to come. How do you prepare to lose a friend who has encompassed your life for the past nine years? It just seems like yesterday you had sneaked out of mom’s room to cuddle up with me and spend the night.

Now you’re old and I’m left with this horrible question on what to do. I’m hoping writing all this out will do something since you and I both know I can’t really afford therapy. It’ll probably just make me look like a huge wuss in front of everyone. Thanks for that. All I know is this there can’t possible be an intelligent designer. Or he/she would have made man’s best friend live just as long as us.

Love,
Mike

May 14

May 13

So it being Mother’s Day I thought I’d like to take a second and make a tribute to one of the greatest moms in gaming history. Thank you, Sora’s mom. Even though you have two lines of dialogue in the entire game, both being off-screen, they are the most important. You could have taken the three extra minutes to walk up stairs to check to see if your son was there but you didn’t! And because of that borderline negligence Sora was able to become the Keyblade Master, meet Donald and Goofy, and save the world from the Heartless!

What I’m trying to say is thank you for not dooming us all and happy Mother’s Day! But I still hold you accountable for the Little Mermaid musical numbers.

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

Neckbeard Update. For those wondering.

May 12

This movie is exactly why I forced my mother to have a hysterectomy

You see this turtle? This turtle doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t understand your stupid human bullshit. He’s a fucking turtle. He doesn’t have time for that shit. He’s probably got problems of his own. Turtle problems.

But all of that escapes him right now. All he cares about his fucking mashed potatoes and goddamn there is a lot of mashed potatoes.

Don’t tell dog.

May 11

Anonymous asked: You're adorable. I want you to be my big spoon.